Having been on a diet for the past weeks I’ve hit the delusional ‘everything looks amazing, I’m green with envy, you say anything to me and I’ll bite your head off, no I don’t have PMS but I am crazier than a cat lady’ stage. And basically I’ve come to the conclusion that I want to be a horse!
My thoroughbred is having 3 hard feeds a day along with plenty of haylage and grass. He’s been tested medically and basically nothing untoward has come up. He’s just ‘that type.’ The ‘type’ that a twenty-something year old human that craves chocolate does not appreciate!
The way I see it, my boy is getting the horse equivalent of all you can eat chocolate and not putting on a pound, when I’m just looking at a piece of celery and ballooning quicker than an air jacket!
So that is my first reason; I love food, I want to eat food but I don’t want to get fat/ unhealthy but I still love food over those reasons.
My second reason is this: why do we never falter when our horses need new shoes, but when it comes to us we dither? A new set of shoes alongside a pedicure every 5 weeks would go down as a treat for me. I’ve had my Dubarrys a few years now and live in them every day. They’re developed holes and cracks so going off my horse’s standard I should have had a few new pairs since these, but nope! I’m still wearing them, just lining them with a plastic bag and few pairs of socks now… after all, they’re still totally usable/acceptable.
My third reason is that a horse’s weekly work schedule is much more appealing than a human’s. Two hours a day max, compared to a 55 hr work week. Really, horses are on a fab hourly work rate as most of the money we earn in a 55 hr week goes into their upkeep fund, otherwise known as the vet bill account fund.
My fourth reason? Every day is a spa day for a horse. With magnetic rugs, vibrating boots, physio visits, daily grooming and pampering, they can even access daily mud baths (despite your best efforts at stopping them and reminding them that they are horses and not hippos!).
And at the end of the day I think horses have also evolved much better than humans. We have evolved from chimps to developing thumbs, but they have evolved from the worker (i.e. horses who pull carts full of humans), to the client (i.e. horses who get transported by humans in sparkly horseboxes with air conditioning)!
So, God/ the person in charge of reincarnation up there, you’ve now read my request. I would appreciate you taking note, however, if this is too much to ask I’d settle for something much less complicated…Perhaps you could just making me skinny overnight then tell me the winning lotto numbers for the next draw!