It’s funny. This whole adult-amateur-who-works-for-a-living-in-order-to-be-able-to-ride-and-compete-who-wants-to-achieve-goals-while-trying-to-balance-a-family……thing.
Rolex does weird things to you. Like, really weird. A handful of years ago, I remember standing beside one of the brush box tables and wanting to puke. I’m 5’9 and the thing came up to my armpits. A couple weeks ago, I stood beside the same jump – albeit in a different spot on course – and thought, yep, HUGE, but I didn’t get that whole I’m going to puke feeling. I got the butterflies thinking about what it would feel like to fly over something that substantial. The difference this time around, I think, is because I have a better understanding of how aspects of a subject relate to each other and to the whole. Will I ever ride Rolex? In my head, I shout YES, absolutely!, out loud, I would hesitate before I answered that, and my answers wouldn’t be the same.
You know what else is weird? I get scared – yes, I said it – scared – before any sort of ride where either a) I have a lesson b) am schooling off property – especially over jumps which don’t have down (I’ll spare you all the dramatic description of how I feel before an actual show.) and c) if there are other people watching me, regardless of what I am doing. You know Denny Emerson’s saying “Get good. Know you’re ready. Be afraid and go be brave.”? Well, I have the ‘be afraid’ part down pat…the other stuff, I am still working on. I never used to be afraid – but going through the life changes that I have, I am still struggling to control the demons inside. Goals I set for myself seem unattainable, because of the mental block. When I can shut down that part of my brain, magic happens. When the first ounce of self-doubt/lack of confidence creeps in, it gets bad…quickly.
I have spent the past 8 months battling mentally to get back to where I was “pre-baby-Carrie”. I have gone to schooling shows and ridden in front of people. I am schooling at a level higher than what we need to be schooling at. I’m riding better, I have new tools in my tool box, I have people who believe in me (and the red-headed Diva), I have people who tell me to “shut the bleep up and just ride her”…all of this helps me to change my perspective on what it is that I do. And, slowly, but surely, that quiet voice of confidence is coming back and whispering to me ‘you can do this’. Our first outing is this weekend…do I feel ready…? Truthfully, I’m not sure. I would have to answer that question again on Sunday morning when I see how well I am doing with controlling that fear.
So, rather than being afraid of the teeny brush box table I am going to be jumping this weekend, I am going to be thinking thank god I am NOT jumping the massive brush box table I saw at Rolex.
Perhaps I just need to look at it in a different way to get my perspective in check…