Do what makes you brave...

Do what makes you brave…

It’s funny.  This whole adult-amateur-who-works-for-a-living-in-order-to-be-able-to-ride-and-compete-who-wants-to-achieve-goals-while-trying-to-balance-a-family……thing.

Rolex does weird things to you.  Like, really weird.  A handful of years ago, I remember standing beside one of the brush box tables and wanting to puke.  I’m 5’9 and the thing came up to my armpits.  A couple weeks ago, I stood beside the same jump – albeit in a different spot on course – and thought, yep, HUGE,  but I didn’t get that whole I’m going to puke feeling.  I got the butterflies thinking about what it would feel like to fly over something that substantial.  The difference this time around, I think, is because I have a better understanding of how aspects of a subject relate to each other and to the whole.  Will I ever ride Rolex?  In my head, I shout YES, absolutely!, out loud, I would hesitate before I answered that, and my answers wouldn’t be the same.

I will NEVER again complain about the size of a brush box table again...

Rolex 2011 (this year I didn’t get that whole I’m going to puke feeling).

You know what else is weird? I get scared – yes, I said it – scared – before any sort of ride where either a) I have a lesson b) am schooling off property – especially over jumps which don’t have down (I’ll spare you all the dramatic description of how I feel before an actual show.) and c) if there are other people watching me, regardless of what I am doing.  You know Denny Emerson’s saying “Get good.  Know you’re ready.  Be afraid and go be brave.”?  Well, I have the ‘be afraid’ part down pat…the other stuff, I am still working on.  I never used to be afraid – but going through the life changes that I have, I am still struggling to control the demons inside.  Goals I set for myself seem unattainable, because of the mental block.  When I can shut down that part of my brain, magic happens.  When the first ounce of self-doubt/lack of confidence creeps in, it gets bad…quickly.

I have spent the past 8 months battling  mentally to get back to where I was “pre-baby-Carrie”.  I have gone to schooling shows and ridden in front of people.  I am schooling at a level higher than what we need to be schooling at.  I’m riding better, I have new tools in my tool box, I have people who believe in me (and the red-headed Diva), I have people who tell me to “shut the bleep up and just ride her”…all of this helps me to change my perspective on what it is that I do.  And, slowly, but surely, that quiet voice of confidence is coming back and whispering to me ‘you can do this’.  Our first outing is this weekend…do I feel ready…? Truthfully, I’m not sure.  I would have to answer that question again on Sunday morning when I see how well I am doing with controlling that fear.

So, rather than being afraid of the teeny brush box table I am going to be jumping this weekend, I am going to be thinking thank god I am NOT jumping the massive brush box table I saw at Rolex.

Perhaps I just need to look at it in a different way to get my perspective in check…