It’s a disconcerting thing when your horse pees blood. I mean, I’m no vet, but even I know that’s unusual. Although Indy seemed normal. I’d just ridden him, and he’d given me no indication he was uncomfortable. He was happily eating hay and noodging me for treats and asking me to scratch him. But still, to err on the side of caution I called the vet and he came out. After the initial question and answer session he asked me if Indy masturbated often. Mind. Blown. All I could do was stammer, “Wait. What? Does he what??” Silly me, I had no idea horses did such things. My vet said male horses are like male humans and that it was quite possible the issue was probably due to excessive ‘self-pleasuring.’ (See that post here.)
Still, we took blood and urine and as expected, his tests came back normal.
Nevertheless, we still took the precaution of taking urine a week later just to make sure there was no infection. Rather than have the vet come again I elected to catch the specimen myself. I mean, how hard can it be to get a urine sample from a horse, right?
Harder than you might think, it seems. Indy normally pees as soon as I put him in his stall after we ride. He grabs a bite of hay, takes a swig or two of water, circles a couple of times and pees in the upper left corner of his stall. So after we rode I went into his stall with him, little plastic cup in hand.
Indy was very happy to have me in his stall. He was not interested in dropping trou, however. Rather, he wanted to give me a tour of his stall.
Indy: Mom! (nudge) Mom! (nudge) Look! This is where I keep my hay. See? That’s my hay. All mine. I love my hay. NomNomNomNom.
Me: It looks like very yummy hay, sweetie. Can you pee for Mommy?
Indy: Mom! (nudge) Mom! (nudge) Look! This is my water. See? I have two buckets. I like to dunk my hay in my water so it tastes better.
Me: That does look refreshing, sweetie. Like when Mommy makes tea. How about you drink some water and then pee, okay?
Indy: Okay. Sure. Look over here! Here is my feed bucket. Sadly, it’s empty. Maybe you could get some more grain for me? I love grain. No? Okay. Look what I can do with my bucket. I can bang it against the wall. Bang! Bang! Bang! Doesn’t that make a cool sound?
Me: That’s amazing, Indy. You are such a smart boy. Now can you show Mommy how smart you are by peeing in the cup?
Indy: Sure. No problem. This is the corner I like to pee in. See, I circle until I get just the right spot, then I put my butt against the back wall and my head against the side wall and then I pee. Hey. Wait. What’s with the cup? What are you doing back there? That’s a bit personal, Mom. You need to respect my space, remember? I respect your space, you respect mine, right?
Me: I know, sweetie, but this is an exception. I need you to pee in the cup so Doc can make sure you’re healthy.
Indy: Oh, okay. Why didn’t you say that earlier? Here you go!
I think it says something about the kind of day you had when the high point of that day is successfully catching your horse’s pee. Really, you would have thought I’d climbed Annapurna, I was that chuffed with myself.
The tests came back normal so there’s no infection. The vet’s conclusion to the whole incident was that the blood in Indy’s urine came from my boy getting excessively jiggy with his man-bits.