Yesterday was the schooling show at the barn up the road. There were many horses and riders from my barn who made the trip and did really well in their divisions. And I wanted to be there. But I stayed home.
You see, our horse hunt isn’t going as planned. So the short answer is that I don’t have a horse. And I can’t take a school horse off property from the barn where I ride. So the show wasn’t an option for us.
My friends did really well — Leah and Trumbull got Reserved Champion, as did Thomas and Socks. And there were many other ribbons brought home. But as happy as I am for them, it hurts.
I know it’s “only” May. But it’s already May, and I started this process last August. Which makes me worry.
I worry that it’s late enough in the show season that I may have missed finding a horse this summer. I fear that if I don’t find a horse this summer that I will be stuck in the morass of winter when no one sells anything because they’re training them for spring. I know I’m not qualified to do the purchase of my first horse on my own, but I have no trainer to help me. I fear that I have let my daughter down, as she wants to move into dressage, but our barn has neither a dressage school horse nor a dressage instructor for kids.
So now I find myself paralyzed. Not knowing what to do next to move things forward. Not knowing where to go for help. Unable to maintain a positive frame of mind about the whole thing. Sad that this hasn’t been a better experience for any of us. Afraid of making a mistake. Afraid that I’ve already made a colossal mistake and fouled the whole thing up.
And dreading going to the barn. Because it’s just a reminder of how badly this has all gone. And how far away I am from my dream.
And I wonder if I should just stay home.