Have you ever left the house and realized you forgot to put on deodorant? Or brush your teeth? You’re on your way to work and BAM! All of a sudden it hits you and you think, “Aaaack, I forgot my deodorant! I’m going to be the malodorous person in the office and co-workers will be forced to mouth-breathe around me!” Horrifying, yes?
Something like that happened to me on the way to the barn the other night. I was driving and had an itch, so I reached over to my right shoulder to scratch it. My fingers caught on my bra strap and the strap gave way much too easily. “That’s not right,’ I thought, and tugged on the strap again. Again, it stretched with little effort. Ruh-roh! Not good! I realized I’d forgotten to change out of the comfy sleep bra I sometimes lounge around the house in and in to a heavy-duty sports bra. This is an error of GALACTICAL proprtions when you’re sporting a huge set of fun-bags and need a bra with the kind of support that could hold up the Brooklyn Bridge.
My brain went into overdrive mode, because I was supposed to have a lesson and there was NO WAY I could do that given the level of boobage bounce that would undoubtedly ensue. I needed a solution, and I needed it fast. WHAT could I possibly use?? My brain remained stuck on that loop for a while until the solution finally presented itself. Polo wraps! I would bind myself with polo wraps!!
So when I got to the barn I ran to my barn manager to tell him the situation and that I would be a bit late for my lesson and why. (Needless to say he laughed his ass off.) Then I ran to my trunk and grabbed 4 polo wraps. I needed to do barn laundry, so I had one pair of black polos and one set of the pink ones I’d used on a breast cancer ride I’d done a while back. Okay, no biggie, no one would see. I holed up in the bathroom and proceeded to go to work.
I did the first black wrap in criss-cross fashion across my chest, thinking Lift and Separate, kinda like the old Cross Your Heart bras. Wrap 2 started with another criss-cross, then I wrapped the polo around the Girls to hold them down against my chest. You know, Cross Your Heart meets compression sports bra. It was a good start, but not sturdy enough. Clearly sterner measures needed to be taken.
So I used one of the pink polos to do another round of binding. I was starting to feel as if I were engaged in an act of self-mummification. After that I still needed a bit more support so I finished with another criss-cross/bind maneuver.
As I was out of polos, four wraps would have to do the trick. “Better than nothing,” I thought as I put my shirt on and looked at myself in the mirror. First off, I looked like a giant box of Good & Plenty licorice candies. I also looked like I was wearing my cross-country protective vest under my shirt. Definitely not a good look.
All in all, my hastily constructed pseudo-bra did the job admirably. I’ll admit I had visions of the wraps coming undone during the sitting trot and trailing out from behind like a ridiculously long trail of toilet paper. I’m happy to say they held together, even through the jumping part of the lesson.
It’s not like I’d ever recommend polo-mummifying your boobs over wearing the right bra, but if you ever find yourself in a bind (pun intended), the polo wrap thing is a viable alternative.