We have all seen screenshots of suggested ways to finish off your Google search, with many strange, hilarious and eyebrow raising results.

So what do people Google about horses? Below are our favourites, with expert answers that are definitely way smarter than Google.

Do horses…

Jump in the wild
Probably not. They just do it to appease crazy humans.

Jump naturally
Some do. Some absolutely most definitely do not. See: every single for sale ad promising “scope.”

’ jaws lock when they bite
Um, that would be horrifying.

Jump through hoops
DO THEY? Can we try, just to see? Please?!

Have hair or fur
Depends on the season. In Spring we’re basically choking on whatever it is 24/7.

Have fingers

Have belly buttons
Why are you asking? So that you can tickle it?

’ hooves grow
Yes, and way too fast. Freakin’ horse’s shoe budget is ten times what mine is for myself.

Get cold
Only when they want to guilt trip you.

Get periods
Mares be more hormonal than fourteen-year-old girls.

Go into heat
See “mares” above

At lack of treats, yes. Probably not over anything else.


Only about Liverpools. Specifically getting from one side of it to the other.

Only when they are unsuccessful in bucking you off after ten attempts.

Care about their owners
That is highly debatable.

When they’re trying to get your attention in a polite way.

Chew their cud
Only when demonstrating complete boredom while you’re venting to them about your trainer.

I literally had a horse bite me in the butt because I was making fun of him. No jokes. They also understand “revenge,” for the record.

Yes, but only during your dressage test.

Bond with humans
Highly dependant upon the treat to time spent with them ratio. We recommend “high.”

No, they just fart extra instead.

Occasionally. Like, probably once a day. Maybe more.

And cows get along
Ranch horses chase them around and Dressage horses think they are Satan. Does that answer you question?

Always stand
Except for when they lay down.

Attack humans
Only when you promised Stud Muffins and brought carrots instead. Other than that, you’re good.

And goats get along
I think slightly better than with cows.

Always sleep standing up
Yeah. Especially during flat classes and awards ceremonies.

Kill for sport
If you show up without treats, then yes. Run for your life.

Yeah, but they’re horrible at it. You just get green drool all over your face. Like, probably worse than high school dance kisses. You’ve been warned.

Know their name
Depends on how many treats you have in your pocket. See “kill for sport” above.

Know their owners
See “treats” above.

Lay down
Yes, always right after giving them a bath. Especially grey horses.

Like being ridden
Depends on the time of day, location, weather patterns, and the horse’s astrological sign.

Like humans
Maybe sometimes. See “treat ratio” above.

Like horseshoes
Like, playing horseshoes? They probably would, if they had fingers to throw them with.

See “mares” above. Hella yes.

Mate for life
Excuse me. They are allowed to date whoever they want. It’s 2018, people.

Mind the cold
Let’s hope they do, otherwise we’ve all wasted millions of dollars on blankets.

Miss their owners
Is the person looking after them feeding them homemade treats or store bought ones?

Need shoes
Whoa. Don’t go starting World War Three, now.

Need grain
It’s basically the only thing in life that actually matters to them.

Need shelter
We give it to them, but they looooooove standing in the pouring rain. See
“Guilt trip”.

Need a companion
Only during dressage tests. See “braying” above.

Yes, and they will manipulate you into thinking they’re starving.

Only eat hay
See “manipulation” above.

Originate in America
Okay, I did not sign up for actual intelligent questions. This is going to cost you extra.

Recognize their owners
Okay you guys are asking all these questions without specifying whether or not you have treats in your pockets.

Remember you
Duh. Treats. I’m not going to say it again.

I mean, I guess. I’ve seen it happen once or twice.

Race in the rain
This sounds like a love song. “La La La, let’s race in the rain.”

Remember each other
Yes, and they say “Hay Gurl!” instead of “Hey Gurl!” when they reunite.

Understand humans
Absolutely. They just have selective hearing.

Understand death
See “kill for sport” above.

Understand words
Depends. They can interpret any word related to food, but defs ignore “Get off my foot!”

Understand affection
Closely linked to treats would be my educated guess, my scientifical answer.

Understand human emotion
OMG yes. They know exactly which fence you are sorta scared of, which is the one they’ll run out at.

Um. Probably just as much as humans do?

In skyrim respawn
Wait, let me Google “respawn.”

In minecraft have different speeds
Minecraft has horses? This changes everything. Sounds a little cheaper than the real thing.

In minecraft eat hay bales
You barbarian. They need supplements too. Animal abuse!

In minecraft despawn
What, what now?

Qualify for bonus depreciation
Lol, horses are the definition of “depreciating asset.”

Qualify for ag exemption
Probably, but DON’T DO IT. You will spend way more on them than you save in taxes.

We saved the best one for last:

Do horse owners make money?

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