I’m probably a bit older than most of the authors here at HJU (40 something…). I don’t feel it, but the calendar says it’s true. I recently came to an epiphany about myself when I shared a picture on my personal social media page. I wasn’t looking for a response, just publicly justifying why I posted what I felt was a hideous picture of me, but a good one of my youngster at a show. I was very surprised – FLOORED really at the response I received.
Like most women, thanks to magazines, TV and social media, I’ve never been happy with my body. Not even when I was a size 8 in my early 20s (was I really an 8?!!). I consider myself fairly average in most aspects for my age, until I put on my show clothes. Then I become an over critical, body shaming, self loathing shrew to myself.
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I pick apart every wrinkle, every crease, every pucker, tan line, zit, freckle, dimple, age spot, bruise, and hair on my head until I convince myself I am unworthy to compete and NO ONE should see me in a Talent Yarn & Tailored Sportsman breeches. Don’t get me wrong – all the stuff fits and it’s the right size, some even a size big, but Queen Critical is on the scene, instantly zapping my confidence in myself as well as my esteem. I struggle through and rise above and find ways to make me feel less self conscious once at the show.
Once at the event, you will RARELY see me get lunch at the horse show. I am SO self conscious in breeches around my peers it’s ridiculous. No one should see me consume anything while looking like this in a pair of breeches, Let me wear this ridiculously baggy t shirt over my show shirt to hide under. Which is where the recent epiphany comes in.
You know what? I’m married, I’m in my mid 40s, I’m doing the best I can given my DNA & life circumstances.
I love my horses, I enjoy showing them, I’m not going to just give up, or becoming complacent but I just DGAF what people think anymore about how I look in a pair of breeches. Which then caused the revelation that NO ONE cares or has EVER cared about how I look in my riding clothes.
Why it has taken me 40-plus years to figure this out, I don’t know, but I’m glad I have. I hope readers don’t feel I’m ‘that’ self centered, that people should always be looking at me. It comes from a self-consciousness perspective.
Cheers for everyone out there just trying to live their best life!